Festival of Trees

Because Gillette has only 1,000 or so members of Relief Society -- the LDS Church's women's group that tends to do lots of crafts, transforming women into crafty Martha Stewart types -- the trees and wreaths here weren't as cool as the ones I've seen in Utah.

That was how Gillette's Festival of Trees was inferior.

How it was better than Utah's Festival of Trees? The booze.

In Utah, the Festival of Trees is held in a suburban convention center, and hot chocolate costs like 5 bucks -- more expensive than a mixed drink at Gillette's event.

Tonight, the event was more of a sit-down dinner. Kind of fancy. I definitely was under-dressed. I purchased a mixed drink but drank free wine in the beginning. I got into the wine and cheese event beforehand because I know the band. And by knowing the band, I mean my newspaper was a sponsor of the event.

And also more enjoyable was that even though it was smaller than the Utah event, I actually saw all the trees. Many were topped with cowboy hats instead of stars or angels. In Utah, the screaming children and long lines are exhausting and after like 45 minutes, you just want to sit down with the $5 hot chocolate and a $6 churro and contemplate how excessive the holiday has become.

I was shocked at the prices of the trees in Gillette, which if my memory is correct, were higher than the ones sold in Utah.

The average tree went for, like, $900. A few trees were sold -- there was a live auction and since I've lived in Wyoming for almost six months, I can now understand what auctioneers say when they speak in fast sing-song -- in the $3,000-range.

Both places donate proceeds of the trees to hospital charities. In Utah, it's the children's hospital. In Gillette, it's the public hospital's nonprofit health-care foundation.

During the auction, my friends and I came up with some Christmas tree ideas. (Warning, not suitable for children.)

* High school diploma tree

- GED certificate on one of the branches.

- Tree topper: diamond ring

- Garland: "It's a girl" banners from baby shower

* Dominatrix tree

- Tree topper: spiky boot

- Garland: Whips and tinsel arranged whimsically

- Additional garland: Handcuffs

- Tree skirt: saddle

* Guns and Booze Tree

- Self-explanatory

- Will win audience favorite award in Wyoming.

- Will fetch the most at auction of all the trees.

- Michael Jackson Tree

* Ornaments: Silver sparkly gloves and Peter Pan figurines

* Tree topper: "Thriller" album.

* Under the tree: Bubbles, the monkey

* Special branch reserved for the trial, featuring limo, pajamas, tiny bed and Jesus Juice

Last but not least: In the Gillette Festival of Trees, there were a lot of outward expressions of religiousness. A tree with branches cut out to fit a Bible in. Or a wreath with a picture of the Holy Family. And before they began auctioning each item, the MC read a message from the creators, too often chock-full of religious fluff. I'm a religious person, but I was highly offended. I believe religion is a private matter. Or a family matter. And if your church wants to celebrate Christmas, by all means, celebrate Christmas. But dragging it into a community event?Tasteless. Especially when I saw at least one member of the community present who is not a Christian.

*Arab tree

- Pronounced AY-rab. (The way hicks and racists like to pronounce it.)

- Streamers saying "'Islam' means 'peace' you so-called Christian dumb asses."

- Other streamers saying, "Our religious tradition has room for Jesus in it, but your religion has no room or respect for Prophet Mohammed, you racists."